Not Going Home for Christmas: Why It’s OK & How to Handle It
Not going home for Christmas can bring up feelings of guilt, being conflicted, and sadness. Maybe you’re choosing to not go home because of logistics, wanting to create new traditions for your family, prioritizing your mental health, or setting new boundaries for the first time. In my therapy and coaching experience, women choose to not go home for the holidays for a multitude of reasons and working through the guilt can be hard.
You might be the person that helps plan everything, leaving little time for you to enjoy it. You might be traveling across the country with children when you just want to stay home. Maybe your family dynamics are complex or you have a mother wound and time together leave you feeling drained and frustrated. The holidays are meant to be joyful, not an obligation.
Below, we’ll discuss why it’s okay for you to make this decision and how to handle these dynamics so you can overcome negative emotions or potential backlash and enjoy your holiday.
Is it okay to not go home for Christmas?
It’s okay not to go home for Christmas. The holidays are a time when we spend quality, joyful time with our family and loved ones. If your time won’t be quality or joyful, you have permission to stay away and go where those two experiences can be accomplished. The holidays are not an obligation to go home and feel anxious, on edge, or frustrated.
How to Handle Not Going Home for Christmas
Let’s explore how to communicate with your family, plan for your holiday, and take care of yourself when not going home for Christmas.
Communicate with Your Family
Give your family a heads up as soon as you make the decision to not go home and only relay facts. You can also choose to not communicate your choices with them. This is completely up to you and the level of communication you currently have with them.
If you’re in constant communication with your family, it may be best to relay your decision early and be firm in it. If you are not in communication with them, you don't have to share this decision with them at all.
If you choose to communicate with your family about not going home for Christmas, you can:
Give notice: “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I am not going to make it home for Christmas this year.”
Be clear and kind: “I am going to spend the holiday with/doing _______. I won’t be home for Christmas, but I do hope your day is lovely.”
Explain your reasons: This year I am switching up tradition and spending Christmas doing ______. I need something different this year and am choosing to do this instead.”
Plan for Your Holiday
Christmas can still be enjoyable, peaceful, and fulfilling, when not spent at home. You can change up your usual and still find the holiday joyful.
Plan the holiday around what would bring you joy, rest, or fulfillment. For example, you might:
Create new traditions: Whether you’re single, have a family of your own, or fall somewhere in between, you can start new traditions. The traditions you grew up with were your parents traditions, you are allowed to create ones meaningful to you.
Volunteer: Volunteering on Christmas day can bring you so much appreciation for the community and the people around you. You can choose to serve and spark conversation with adults and children you would have never met.
Enjoy a hobby: Remember, the holiday is what you make it and what you want it to be. You are allowed to cook an elaborate meal because you enjoy cooking and you're allowed to sit on the couch, get cozy, and read an entire novel because reading is your hobby.
Practice self-care: Going home for Christmas may bring you stress and exhaustion. You can practice self care by spending the holiday doing something that calms your nervous system and makes you happy, whether that’s watching a favorite movie, spending time outside or with friends, or enjoying comfort foods
Travel: Take a flight and experience Christmas in another country. Maybe you don't want the Christmas holiday at all. You can go somewhere they aren’t celebrating and make the day regular for yourself.
Take Care of Yourself
Not going home for Christmas might not be easy, and that’s okay. You don’t have to sacrifice your desires.
Instead, find ways to take care of and enjoy yourself during the holiday season. For example, you might:
Create a new tradition: Try something new, and see if it’s one that you will do again.
Seek support: Talking about your experience with a coach, therapist, or friends and not keeping it inside can feel relieving.
Acknowledge your emotions: Give your emotions a name and then work through them. “I feel _______ about not going for christmas and I can manage feeling this emotion.”
Don’t wallow and feel miserable: It’s okay to feel your emotions, but also make a point to find activities you enjoy. Movies, puzzles, books, and walks outside can fill the time if you’re alone.
Not Going Home for Christmas: FAQs
Deciding not to go home for the holidays can be a tough and emotional choice. Get answers to common questions to help you navigate this decision with confidence, compassion, and care.
How to tell your family you're not coming home for Christmas?
To tell your family you aren’t going home for Christmas, you should be clear and factual. You don’t have to go into detail unless you want, and you don't have to include a lot of emotion: “I won't be making it home for Christmas this year, so please don’t count on me showing up.” You tell them why or what you’ll be doing instead: “Hey mom, I won't make it home for Christmas this year. We’re planning to stay home and not travel, and I hope you understand.”
What to do if my daughter won’t come home for Christmas?
If your daughter won’t go home for Christmas, the most important thing to do is not guilt trip or make her feel bad. You’re allowed to be upset about her not coming, but guilt tripping will almost guarantee that she won’t come next year either. Manage your emotions on your own and support her decision. Ask her why she isn’t coming and be genuinely interested in her answer — it may surprise you or give you helpful insights into how she’s feeling. It can also open conversation on how she can make it the following year.
Where to go on Christmas Day if you have no family?
If you don’t have family to spend Christmas day with, you can spend it with friends or volunteering. Sometimes friends are the chosen family we can create, so ask if you can join their celebrations. The answer is probably yes! Volunteering at a women's shelter is also a great idea because it can put you around children, which can almost always lift your spirits.
Not Going Home for Christmas: Conclusion
There are many ways to spend Christmas, and your mothers house does not have to be one of them. You’re free to choose how you celebrate, who you celebrate with, and what traditions you want to keep up each year. Hard feelings can come up that you have to navigate through, but you can do hard things. Give yourself grace and let yourself choose a different option this year.
Not going home for Christmas can be a difficult situation to navigate, but you don’t have to face it alone. Download my free guide to setting healthy boundaries or book a free consultation for personalized support in navigating your mother–daughter relationship.
